Why
You have just turned 40 and you want to prove that your body is still up to it. You are an Irish born Chartered Management Accountant and want to do something non-boring. You want to experience what it was like to be a political prisoner in S America in the 1980's

Preparation - Read About It
All the tales of derring do in Arrivée and Arrivée ReCycled. Get really worried about the American veterinary product Bag Balm and whether the suggested uses for a banana are legal in the UK. Don't read any French travel books as it will either be dark or you'll be too knackered to care where you are.

See A Play About It
Death and the Maiden by Ariel Dorfman captures that true S American torturer's atmosphere.

Hear About It
Listen to Wagner's Ring Cycle continuously for 3 1/2 days without sleep for the drama and the tedium. Don't listen to the old hands - They have a vested interest in your remaining a virgin. That way their auras don't get dented.

The Equipment - The Body
It has to be honed to perfection for the big event. You need lots of exercise. When you cycle to the pub it should be the pub at Acharacle not Abbeyhill. You don't get your 600km qualifier otherwise. The old hands say they cycle straight from the pub to Paris but we virgins have to stay off the booze, fags and whatever for at least 3 months beforehand. Eat only wholemeal pasta, carrots and bananas and avoid all animal products other than the veterinary product mentioned above. Don't forget to practice with your banana and practice sitting astride a barbed wire fence for a few days. Remember to shave off all your bodily hair. It improves hygiene.

The Steed
Unless your steed is in full working order you will remain a virgin. Don't put off the little visits to the doctor to get the moving parts well lubricated so that your steed doesn't suddenly let you down at the critical moment. Heed the government health warnings about your rubber. It should be in good condition so that it will remain inflated hard throughout the trial. Go for comfort rather than speed. You have 90 hours to enjoy the experience. The Raleigh Royal position is a clear winner over the Graeme Obree.

Final Preparation
Avoid hassle . Sporting Tours do a very nice ride to Paris without the danger of your steed being mangled (eg by a baggage handler) or your body peaking too soon (eg by cycling to the start from Aberdeen). Make sure your steed is in perfect working order. Above all recheck your rubber to avoid the disappointment of sudden deflation at a critical moment.

Allow your weight to rise back to 10 stone.

Doing It
It's one long grind. There are many ups and downs before the grand finale. You do a lot of it in the dark so don't forget a carrot. You do it with lots of other people. The Scandinavians do it as a team with communal rest and recuperation stops. Complete strangers cheer your performance. You even pay people to photograph you doing it. As you get closer to the climax your body gets tired. Your hands, feet, knees, neck get sore. Your bum gets ripped to pieces. Your mind gets tired. You dream of sleep. You sleep. You dream while sleeping. You crash. You wake up. You resolve to stop dreaming of sleeping until you get back to Paris.

You start to hallucinate to compensate for not being allowed to dream. Your mind starts to wonder if it is all worth it. Your mind asks why you are having a 4 course dinner every 6 hours. It struggles with the significance of carrots. You wonder what sort of one cheval ville Loudeac is when you don't get a road sign to it until you are 10km from it. You wonder if you are going to Paris or Brest or both?!? Are you the maniac in Meneac? If not who is? When you pass the signpost on the outskirts of Sure with the line through it does it mean that you are not sure where you are and everyone in the world is not Sure either.

The Climax
You are absolutely knackered. Your bum is minced. Your steed is nearly worn out. You are hot. You are thirsty. You are out of breath. You spot the last roundabout. You concentrate for grim death on the ramp. You mount the ramp dead centre at high speed. The crowd cheers louder than ever. You are homologated. You are no longer a PBP virgin.

The Ante Climax
You have your first wash for 4 days. You change your shorts and consider burning them. You sleep. You wake up and get bevvied to deaden the pain. You ask your pharmacist/vet for something stronger than Lanolin/Bag Balm, or if they know if the NHS do bum transplants. You tell your friends how it was for you. You try to write an article about it. You start to plan to give it laldie in 1999.